MIA and the Fate of FBB

Okay, so I went MIA for a little bit...

But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know I made all these claims about how FBB would be a little diary for me, which it still is, but I realized something.

I only write/blog/vent when I'm feeling sad. 

This past month and a half have been wonderful. Lee and I moved into an apartment that's big enough for the two of us. I found stable work that I don't completely hate and that pays well. (Nanny/babysitting) My relationship with my mom has been patched up. I've been going to school more regularly. I've even been seeing my friends more often.

So I'm sitting here on this chilly 32 degree November day wondering

What's wrong with me?

I've spent the past 3 days in bed not really doing anything except sleeping and watching strange documentaries. That should have been my first warning sign.

Reflecting on my behavior I've realized it's not what's wrong with me its what's wrong with the way I've been allowing myself to behave. 

I have already made it very clear to myself what my problems in life are, and where those feelings stem from. 

That is the favor I did for myself. The crucial milestone I made for myself, all by myself. But moving forward... I let myself down. 

I let myself down by letting myself stay at home, sulk, and mold into this porous fungal-like creature while the world passes me by. I didn't say that it was bad to be sad, that isn't what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is, I'm far enough in my recovery process to know the red flags that warn me when a depressive episode is coming. 

 How I Can Tell When A Depressive Episode is Coming

1. I stop going to class - This is the biggest one for me. I have mild social anxiety despite being quite extroverted. Typically I can just suck it up since I work early in the morning, and my morning job is close to campus. But on days when I start to feel depressed, I do my job for an hour and head back home and sleep. 
2. I stop eating - I absolutely love food. It's one of those things that 99.9% of the time can never fail to make me smile. When I'm feeling depressed I just lose my appetite. I also don't feel like cooking. Cooking is a happy pastime for me, so by denying myself the opportunity to do something that I love, it's like denying myself happiness. 
3. I stop taking care of myself- Hand in hand with eating, basic daily hygiene is something I can typically pride myself in. I don't go full glam everything with my makeup, but I do enjoy having a clean fresh face. Last week I made it almost 4 days without showering. (Or wearing deodorant... gross)
4. I sleep, A LOT and don't feel well rested - I typically wake up around 6am every morning during the week for work, and finish class around 11p. Usually, I can make it through the day till I get sleepy around 9pm or so. But when I'm depressed I go back home to sleep at 9am and sleep all the way until 3p, only to wake up to cook Lee dinner and go back to bed 6 hours later. 
5. I stop talking - I have a small ring of friends and we usually talk to each other daily. About small things, big things, just daily check-ups. Typically the chat is filled with goofy bitmojis and strange memes we would never let our professional circle know we laugh at. I find myself retreating and "misplacing" my phone a lot when I'm feeling sad. 
6. Low sex drive - This one is self-explanatory. 

By just knowing all of these red flags, I've already set up my battle plan, it's just the execution of the plan that I fail at. You see because I already know what signs to look out for, that gives me an opportunity to combat them. Always know your weaknesses so you have the upper hand. 

I had my ducks in a row but somehow I let them all drown... 🦆 

So what are my steps for recovery now? Well, I made myself some food. It's just plain pasta but at least it's something. I'm starting on my makeup work for school (which I always have a pile of) and I'm getting myself ready to go to work this afternoon. 

That's all for now.