Transparency 1 : My Depression

Depression is defined as a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. No it doesn't make you weird, different, or broken. It's like diabetes, its just another illness that takes a little extra work to accomodate.

Nowadays the importance of raising awareness for mental health is always in the forefront of any kind of social discussion one may have.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17

When you think of depression in a stereotypical format you think of emo kids with cut wrists, listening to metal bands and who shut themselves out in the dark and complain about how much they hate life. (While I did have a very 'edgy' phase in middle school that wasn't when I really began feeling depressed.) 

This is really what depression can look like... 

Me 2014

Freaky how normal it looks right? Just your average just turned 17 year old who... 

• Almost didn't pass high school because of truancy 
• Left her well-paying part-time job because of a boy
• Ran away because of love
• Drank way too much 
• Spent countless hours of the day laying in bed because I simply didn't want to
• Rarely showered because I rarely never left the house
• Got arrested   

... but that was when I had hit nearly rock bottom. What about leading up to that? 

Looking back at my past self is hard. It re-opens wounds that I never wish to feel again. However, I do believe it's necessary at some point to be able to look back at who you were to construct who you are. I'm actually going to go more in-depth on my family life and how it ties into my depression. You can check it out here **Don't forget to insert link** 

It's okay. 

I am okay with having depression. I am okay and accepting that I will never have the picture-perfect family life I have always wanted. I am okay and I am accepting that I am 20 years old and I will never have the on-campus experience most young adults have at this age. 

I am still okay after 

• 1,095 days of being diagnosed with depression 
• 168,000mg of Zoloft (over the course of 2.5 years)
• 35 lbs gained
• 65 counseling sessions (and counting)
• 4 deaths of close loved ones
• 2 suicide attempts
• Countless sexual assaults
• 1 rape
• 2 counts of physical assault
• 3 times in the back of a police car in handcuffs
• 2 failed college semesters

Even after all of the bullshit that I've been through, and partially put myself through. I'm still okay. 

Because learning to live and cope with depression is a long, hard, treacherous, traumatic, painful, and emotional journey. 

But do you know how else depression can leave you? It can leave you... 

• Beyond thankful for the friends and support system you have 
• Feeling so alive when you have a moment of clarity from the dark clouds
• Kinder, you learn to be less judgmental toward others 
• More forgiving
• More open to helping others in need

Till the next transparency, 

- B